Sherlock Holmes, and the Curious Case of Humpty Dumpty

A re-imagining of a famous nursery rhyme (and former riddle) with the inclusion of the most famous fictional detective in the world. (Performed for the slam yesterday.)

Update 19th April ’14: The audio is up!


NARRATOR
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.

The King rode to Baker Street, 221B,
And promised all the GOLD that can ever be,
To consult Sherlock Holmes, to recruit his wit,
But the Great Detective accepted for the mere thrill of it!

SHERLOCK
Watson, do you see what I see?

WATSON
Nothing really, Holmes, if you need to be
Sneaking into people’s homes. They’re miffed!

SHERLOCK
….Well, curiosity is still the greatest gift.
My dear Watson, I have found
Myself in a very interesting ground,
As I track suspicious people —

WATSON
I think the better word would be ‘stalking’.

SHERLOCK
And yet I’ve never seen a man like this one before.

WATSON
So, you’re stalking men, and… Wait, what?!”

SHERLOCK
Humpty Dumpty. The strangest case of the lot.
This Egg-Man that slipped off the wall.
And you can see all that shattered due to his fall,
But not a stain where he was supposed to sit.
Watson! What do you make of it?”

WATSON
By Jove! What a sorry chump!
Was he so in woe, that he dared to jump?
Was it a broken heart that broke his shell?
Was his love so fragile, that he would dwell
On assuming he’s a tea-pot, short and stout?

SHERLOCK
This egg was high! Imagine all the nonesense he’d spout.

WATSON
Or was it something close, now something lost?
Maybe a burglar, a thief, who would exhaust
Him of his wealth. Or maybe it was The Phantom Thief,
Arsene Lupin’s letter that put Humpty in grief?

SHERLOCK
Arsene Lupin is a fiend. A ghost. A liar.
He can walk past walls and take whatever he desires.
He is too clever to leave behind his stench.
And further more, HE IS FRENCH!”

WATSON
….Seriously?

SHERLOCK
Come now, Watson! That can’t be true.
Humpty had no house, nor anything of value.
And this poor egg certainly did not despair:
This yolk is fresh, not rotten, as if nurtured with care,
So he would one day become a happy, chirping chick.

And this wall! Do these walls make your thoughts click?

WATSON
Well… they’re made of bricks,
And… there are… too many cats to kick?

SHERLOCK
Dear Watson, you see, but you do not observe!
If Humpty were in grief, why didn’t he have the nerve
To jump from higher places? Why THIS wall in plain sight?

WATSON
Because… he was scared of heights?

SHERLOCK
Precisely! He felt safer on the wall, just to spend
Time watching a parade. But that became his end.
He had no reason to jump! He didn’t beat around the bush.
Oh, no! This isn’t suicide, Watson. Humpty Dumpty was PUSHED!

WATSON
That’s terrible! Nothing deceives us more than the obvious.
Who do you suspect to plot something so DEVIOUS?

SHERLOCK
Oh, suspects are many! But the clues are too few.
I’m drawn to the King and what he in the morning chews.

WATSON
Breakfast! I heard he had milk and bacon?

SHERLOCK
Did I mention he was vegan?

WATSON
By Jove! Don’t tell me he has grown a taste
For… for… AN OMELETTE! And yet not a waste
Of yolk is gone. No, not him. Who else could push?

SHERLOCK
The second most dangerous man in Mulberry Bush.

WATSON
MORIARTY!!

SHERLOCK
….No, I meant an Evil Twin.

WATSON
Ah….. Okay, why an Evil Twin?

SHERLOCK
You see, Watson… these scars on the egg-shell,
And the shoe-prints on soil, have a story to tell.

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked bag of money upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together in a little crooked house.

But then rang the Ding, dong, bell,
And we found the crooked pussy in the well.
Who put her in? Little Johnny Flynn.

You see, Johny Flynn knew that the crooked cat knew
The Ugly Duckling raised not ONE Egg, but TWO!
Her twinkle, twinkle, little star
Was Humpty Dumpty. But the twin was left afar.

But the twin envied his brother, and began to engage
In years of devious plotting, honing his rage!
When Itsy-Bitsy Spider climbed up the water spout,
It was the Evil Twin that washed the spider out!
When Jack and Jill went up the hill, they all came tumbling down,
Because the Evil Twin ARRANGED for the Jack to fall and break his crown!
Old McDonald had a farm. HAD! Now the Evil Twin ensures
That his ‘EEs” and ‘EIYEs’ and ‘OHs’ endure.
Hickory, dickory, dock. Why did the mouse run up and down the clock?
It could run from the Evil Twin, but it could not HIDE!

Three blind mice. See how they run! The Evil Twin can SEE how the fools run!
Mary had a little lamb, but the Evil Twin shaved it and stole its WOOL!
Who killed Cock Robin? I say, it’s the Evil Twin with the remorseless grin.
Rub-a-dub-dub. Three men in a tub. What do you think happened? EVIL TWIN!

WATSON
Golly, Holmes! That is a fiend only Hell can bestow!

SHERLOCK
That rotten egg! For all we know,
He could be leaving the city. Let’s make haste!
And call Scotland Yard. There is no time to waste!

NARRATOR
So, Holmes and Watson chased for the crook.
They didn’t notice the Phantom Thief, who emerged from a nook.
Arsene Lupin found two pieces of identical shells
That Sherlock Holmes did not notice, which told him well
That there might have been a brawl.
And the shell that would fall,
Is, in fact, NOT the one who sat on the wall.

The Mystery Deepened, and a question remained:
Who was the REAL Humpty Dumpty again?

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