Sherlock Holmes, and the Curious Case of Humpty Dumpty

A re-imag­in­ing of a famous nurs­ery rhyme (and for­mer rid­dle) with the inclu­sion of the most famous fic­tion­al detec­tive in the world. (Performed for the slam yes­ter­day.)

Update 19th April ’14: The audio is up!


NARRATOR
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s hors­es and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty togeth­er again.

The King rode to Baker Street, 221B,
And promised all the GOLD that can ever be,
To con­sult Sherlock Holmes, to recruit his wit,
But the Great Detective accept­ed for the mere thrill of it!

SHERLOCK
Watson, do you see what I see?

WATSON
Nothing real­ly, Holmes, if you need to be
Sneaking into people’s homes. They’re miffed!

SHERLOCK
.…Well, curios­i­ty is still the great­est gift.
My dear Watson, I have found
Myself in a very inter­est­ing ground,
As I track sus­pi­cious peo­ple —

WATSON
I think the bet­ter word would be ‘stalk­ing’.

SHERLOCK
And yet I’ve nev­er seen a man like this one before.

WATSON
So, you’re stalk­ing men, and… Wait, what?!”

SHERLOCK
Humpty Dumpty. The strangest case of the lot.
This Egg-Man that slipped off the wall.
And you can see all that shat­tered due to his fall,
But not a stain where he was sup­posed to sit.
Watson! What do you make of it?”

WATSON
By Jove! What a sor­ry chump!
Was he so in woe, that he dared to jump?
Was it a bro­ken heart that broke his shell?
Was his love so frag­ile, that he would dwell
On assum­ing he’s a tea-pot, short and stout?

SHERLOCK
This egg was high! Imagine all the none­sense he’d spout.

WATSON
Or was it some­thing close, now some­thing lost?
Maybe a bur­glar, a thief, who would exhaust
Him of his wealth. Or maybe it was The Phantom Thief,
Arsene Lupin’s let­ter that put Humpty in grief?

SHERLOCK
Arsene Lupin is a fiend. A ghost. A liar.
He can walk past walls and take what­ev­er he desires.
He is too clever to leave behind his stench.
And fur­ther more, HE IS FRENCH!”

WATSON
.…Seriously?

SHERLOCK
Come now, Watson! That can’t be true.
Humpty had no house, nor any­thing of val­ue.
And this poor egg cer­tain­ly did not despair:
This yolk is fresh, not rot­ten, as if nur­tured with care,
So he would one day become a hap­py, chirp­ing chick.

And this wall! Do these walls make your thoughts click?

WATSON
Well… they’re made of bricks,
And… there are… too many cats to kick?

SHERLOCK
Dear Watson, you see, but you do not observe!
If Humpty were in grief, why didn’t he have the nerve
To jump from high­er places? Why THIS wall in plain sight?

WATSON
Because… he was scared of heights?

SHERLOCK
Precisely! He felt safer on the wall, just to spend
Time watch­ing a parade. But that became his end.
He had no rea­son to jump! He didn’t beat around the bush.
Oh, no! This isn’t sui­cide, Watson. Humpty Dumpty was PUSHED!

WATSON
That’s ter­ri­ble! Nothing deceives us more than the obvi­ous.
Who do you sus­pect to plot some­thing so DEVIOUS?

SHERLOCK
Oh, sus­pects are many! But the clues are too few.
I’m drawn to the King and what he in the morn­ing chews.

WATSON
Breakfast! I heard he had milk and bacon?

SHERLOCK
Did I men­tion he was veg­an?

WATSON
By Jove! Don’t tell me he has grown a taste
For… for… AN OMELETTE! And yet not a waste
Of yolk is gone. No, not him. Who else could push?

SHERLOCK
The sec­ond most dan­ger­ous man in Mulberry Bush.

WATSON
MORIARTY!!

SHERLOCK
.…No, I meant an Evil Twin.

WATSON
Ah.…. Okay, why an Evil Twin?

SHERLOCK
You see, Watson… these scars on the egg-shell,
And the shoe-prints on soil, have a sto­ry to tell.

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked bag of mon­ey upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived togeth­er in a lit­tle crooked house.

But then rang the Ding, dong, bell,
And we found the crooked pussy in the well.
Who put her in? Little Johnny Flynn.

You see, Johny Flynn knew that the crooked cat knew
The Ugly Duckling raised not ONE Egg, but TWO!
Her twin­kle, twin­kle, lit­tle star
Was Humpty Dumpty. But the twin was left afar.

But the twin envied his broth­er, and began to engage
In years of devi­ous plot­ting, hon­ing his rage!
When Itsy-Bitsy Spider climbed up the water spout,
It was the Evil Twin that washed the spi­der out!
When Jack and Jill went up the hill, they all came tum­bling down,
Because the Evil Twin ARRANGED for the Jack to fall and break his crown!
Old McDonald had a farm. HAD! Now the Evil Twin ensures
That his ‘EEs” and ‘EIYEs’ and ‘OHs’ endure.
Hickory, dick­o­ry, dock. Why did the mouse run up and down the clock?
It could run from the Evil Twin, but it could not HIDE!

Three blind mice. See how they run! The Evil Twin can SEE how the fools run!
Mary had a lit­tle lamb, but the Evil Twin shaved it and stole its WOOL!
Who killed Cock Robin? I say, it’s the Evil Twin with the remorse­less grin.
Rub-a-dub-dub. Three men in a tub. What do you think hap­pened? EVIL TWIN!

WATSON
Golly, Holmes! That is a fiend only Hell can bestow!

SHERLOCK
That rot­ten egg! For all we know,
He could be leav­ing the city. Let’s make haste!
And call Scotland Yard. There is no time to waste!

NARRATOR
So, Holmes and Watson chased for the crook.
They didn’t notice the Phantom Thief, who emerged from a nook.
Arsene Lupin found two pieces of iden­ti­cal shells
That Sherlock Holmes did not notice, which told him well
That there might have been a brawl.
And the shell that would fall,
Is, in fact, NOT the one who sat on the wall.

The Mystery Deepened, and a ques­tion remained:
Who was the REAL Humpty Dumpty again?

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