How To REALLY Seduce A Woman (Satire)

This is a satire about some (but not all) people, usually amateurs, in the pick-up artists community, as well as other guys in general who try to seduce women without necessarily connecting with them at a human level.

I’ve neither written this as a means to offend women, nor to disparage the pick-up artists community as a whole. 

Please read with an open mind.


How to REALLY seduce a woman!
Yes, “A Woman”, and NOT, “Women”,
Because if you’re listening to this, chances are you’re still a virgin,
So we’ll go baby steps before you take a big leap, Mr Cassanova!
Soon, you’ll be ready to impress the lady of your dreams!

Step 1 — You know that Nice Guy? DON’T be that guy.
To please a woman, they buy her gifts, invest their time,
Just so they can get laid. So when it doesn’t work out,
They complain that, “Nice guys finish last”.
It’s almost as if they’re trying to BUY the woman off.
Not so nice after all, huh?

Don’t be a Jerk either.
I’m pretty sure even YOU wouldn’t make out with someone
Who says you’re a desperate scumbag and a horny parasite…
…..Which you probably aren’t.

So just drop the facade and just
BE someone YOU respect!

Who would YOU like to hang out with?
Someone who reads lots of Science and Philosophy?
Makes you laugh? Talks about things that sound like Witchcraft?
If you’d like to MEET that guy, chances are you wanna BE that guy!
So just go out there and do what you love,
And I assure you that you’re on the right track!

And even if you DON’T like such things, at least…
Well… Just wash yourself once in a while? Brush your teeth, okay?

Step 2 — Go talk to her. I mean, what are you, James Bond?
No, no, no, stop hyperventilating! She’s not a monster!
She’s a living, breathing NORMAL PERSON.
Just talk like how you talk to other guys,
Unless all you talk about are things like boobs and blowjob,
Then THINK before you arrive to the point you wanna shoot yourself.
If you’re talking too little, come on, open up a little more!
If you’re talking too much, I hope you have a scotch-tape in handy!

And if you don’t know what to say,
Then appreciate her for who she IS!
It doesn’t matter if she’s a bookworm, gamer or aspiring actress,
Because a person is a person, no matter how hot!
Maybe she’s got a thing for poetry, athletics,
Or those guys from Twilight!
Tell her she has a keen eye for sparkly vampires.
Be honest about it!

And if she’s not interested, STAY THE FUCK AWAY!
Keep nagging, and you’ll go on a blind date with a police officer.

Why? Because women are always in danger by YouKnowWhats.
You’re not that guy, so DON’T act like one.

Step 3 — If you’re just following this guide to get laid,
Then you might as well go jump out the window.
This is your first time, you’re not even experienced,
So don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re good in bed, okay?

Think of OTHER stuff you can invite her to have fun with.
Maybe play basketball, or do some Yoga together.
Play video games, write some poetry and collaborate!
If you’re in Europe, you can cross the borders to buy ice cream.
If you’re in Asia, you can cross the borders to start wars.
But whatever you do, ensure both of you are having FUN!

Think about it: You’re gonna spend your whole life with her,
So if there’s something she likes that drives you crazy,
Keep in mind she isn’t gonna change for you.
I mean what is she, a Pokemon?

Step 4 — It’s time to get that woman to go out with you!

Get your best trim, wear your best clothes, put on your best smile,
Aaaand… ask her out.
Yes, just ask her out.
No, there’s no secret tip, no magic wand, or science of influence,
You just HAVE to have the GUTS to ask her out.

And she might even say, “No”. So what?

She is not a car for you to buy.
She is not a Trophy for you to win.
She is not a Kingdom for you to claim.
She is not a dog for you to train.
And she definitely is NOT… a Pokemon.
And there are no Masterballs with a Hundred-Percent catch-rate,
Nor a strategy-guide that tells you what buttons to press.

She is a “Person”,
With her own likes and dislikes, her personality and insights,
Her skills and fallacies, her dreams and ideologies,
Which you have come to respect beyond her beauty.

Does that mean you’ve been wasting your time listening to this “Guide”?
Of course not! Because it serves to remind you that
If you can’t respect who you are, and who you CAN be,
Let alone what someone else is like, or WHO they like,
How can you expect ANYONE to respect YOU?

If she says, “Yes”, kudos to you!
If she says, “No”, Kudos to you!
You will STILL be living happily every after,
Because, you’ve just transformed yourself
From Zero to Hero, in remarkable degrees
That will not only make you PROUD of yourself,
But now even I’M attracted to YOU!

So don’t be disheartened, darling! Here’s my number.
And call me. wink


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