How To REALLY Seduce A Woman (Satire)

This is a satire about some (but not all) peo­ple, usu­al­ly ama­teurs, in the pick-up artists com­mu­ni­ty, as well as oth­er guys in gen­er­al who try to seduce women with­out nec­es­sar­i­ly con­nect­ing with them at a human lev­el.

I’ve nei­ther writ­ten this as a means to offend women, nor to dis­par­age the pick-up artists com­mu­ni­ty as a whole. 

Please read with an open mind.


How to REALLY seduce a woman!
Yes, “A Woman”, and NOT, “Women”,
Because if you’re lis­ten­ing to this, chances are you’re still a vir­gin,
So we’ll go baby steps before you take a big leap, Mr Cassanova!
Soon, you’ll be ready to impress the lady of your dreams!

Step 1 — You know that Nice Guy? DON’T be that guy.
To please a woman, they buy her gifts, invest their time,
Just so they can get laid. So when it doesn’t work out,
They com­plain that, “Nice guys fin­ish last”.
It’s almost as if they’re try­ing to BUY the woman off.
Not so nice after all, huh?

Don’t be a Jerk either.
I’m pret­ty sure even YOU wouldn’t make out with some­one
Who says you’re a des­per­ate scum­bag and a horny par­a­site…
.….Which you prob­a­bly aren’t.

So just drop the façade and just
BE some­one YOU respect!

Who would YOU like to hang out with?
Someone who reads lots of Science and Philosophy?
Makes you laugh? Talks about things that sound like Witchcraft?
If you’d like to MEET that guy, chances are you wan­na BE that guy!
So just go out there and do what you love,
And I assure you that you’re on the right track!

And even if you DON’T like such things, at least…
Well… Just wash your­self once in a while? Brush your teeth, okay?

Step 2 — Go talk to her. I mean, what are you, James Bond?
No, no, no, stop hyper­ven­ti­lat­ing! She’s not a mon­ster!
She’s a liv­ing, breath­ing NORMAL PERSON.
Just talk like how you talk to oth­er guys,
Unless all you talk about are things like boobs and blowjob,
Then THINK before you arrive to the point you wan­na shoot your­self.
If you’re talk­ing too lit­tle, come on, open up a lit­tle more!
If you’re talk­ing too much, I hope you have a scotch-tape in handy!

And if you don’t know what to say,
Then appre­ci­ate her for who she IS!
It doesn’t mat­ter if she’s a book­worm, gamer or aspir­ing actress,
Because a per­son is a per­son, no mat­ter how hot!
Maybe she’s got a thing for poet­ry, ath­let­ics,
Or those guys from Twilight!
Tell her she has a keen eye for spark­ly vam­pires.
Be hon­est about it!

And if she’s not inter­est­ed, STAY THE FUCK AWAY!
Keep nag­ging, and you’ll go on a blind date with a police offi­cer.

Why? Because women are always in dan­ger by YouKnowWhats.
You’re not that guy, so DON’T act like one.

Step 3 — If you’re just fol­low­ing this guide to get laid,
Then you might as well go jump out the win­dow.
This is your first time, you’re not even expe­ri­enced,
So don’t delude your­self into think­ing you’re good in bed, okay?

Think of OTHER stuff you can invite her to have fun with.
Maybe play bas­ket­ball, or do some Yoga togeth­er.
Play video games, write some poet­ry and col­lab­o­rate!
If you’re in Europe, you can cross the bor­ders to buy ice cream.
If you’re in Asia, you can cross the bor­ders to start wars.
But what­ev­er you do, ensure both of you are hav­ing FUN!

Think about it: You’re gonna spend your whole life with her,
So if there’s some­thing she likes that dri­ves you crazy,
Keep in mind she isn’t gonna change for you.
I mean what is she, a Pokemon?

Step 4 — It’s time to get that woman to go out with you!

Get your best trim, wear your best clothes, put on your best smile,
Aaaand… ask her out.
Yes, just ask her out.
No, there’s no secret tip, no mag­ic wand, or sci­ence of influ­ence,
You just HAVE to have the GUTS to ask her out.

And she might even say, “No”. So what?

She is not a car for you to buy.
She is not a Trophy for you to win.
She is not a Kingdom for you to claim.
She is not a dog for you to train.
And she def­i­nite­ly is NOT… a Pokemon.
And there are no Masterballs with a Hundred-Percent catch-rate,
Nor a strat­e­gy-guide that tells you what but­tons to press.

She is a “Person”,
With her own likes and dis­likes, her per­son­al­i­ty and insights,
Her skills and fal­lac­i­es, her dreams and ide­olo­gies,
Which you have come to respect beyond her beau­ty.

Does that mean you’ve been wast­ing your time lis­ten­ing to this “Guide”?
Of course not! Because it serves to remind you that
If you can’t respect who you are, and who you CAN be,
Let alone what some­one else is like, or WHO they like,
How can you expect ANYONE to respect YOU?

If she says, “Yes”, kudos to you!
If she says, “No”, Kudos to you!
You will STILL be liv­ing hap­pi­ly every after,
Because, you’ve just trans­formed your­self
From Zero to Hero, in remark­able degrees
That will not only make you PROUD of your­self,
But now even I’M attract­ed to YOU!

So don’t be dis­heart­ened, dar­ling! Here’s my num­ber.
And call me. wink


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